Johnny's Famous "Best Ever Rum Cake" Recipe

1-2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1/2 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit of choice
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon lemon juice
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It must be just right.  Repeat.  With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large bowl.  Add 1/2 cup sugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality.  Try another one.  Open second quart if necessary.  Add two large eggs, 1 cup dried fruit.  If fruit gets stuck in beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again.  Sift in lemon juice.  Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.  Add 3 tablespoons of brown sugar or whatever color you can find.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 degrees.  Now pour the whole mess into the oven, check the rum again and go to bed.